Life is often beautiful as well, but like this picture, sometimes I feel like just over the horizon is something that will suck me in and never let me out. There were times that I felt like this while spending every day in a hospital room next to my infant daughter who was on a paralytic and unable to interact with me. I showed up every day and sat in a chair in the room, sometimes next to her bed with my hand on her head (where you are touch infants in medical distress because other places can cause them more distress), sometimes I would change her diaper and it would feel like something "normal," sometimes I would read to her. But, there was never a time when I felt like there wasn't something just over the horizon that could suck me in and never let me out. In all fairness, I often felt like there may be something else just over the horizon that would set me free suddenly, but more often is what the "black hole". Sometimes I felt like I was already there.
I feel a little further away from that black hole nowadays, but every once in a while, I still feel its pull. I'm not sure how powerful it is, so it causes a lot of anxiety for me. Sometimes it is the pull caused by my daughter's illness. Sometimes it is the pull causes by my parents' illnesses. Sometimes it is the pull caused by my seeming inability to organize my home, my finances, my self-care, my work responsibilities, my social obligations, etc., etc.
So, each day is a fight of sorts. A fight to move further from the black hole and its pull on me. The further away I can get (a long period of wellness for my daughter, a clean house, getting work obligations done, working on a routine for my day-to-day life, getting some bills paid off, etc.), the less I feel anxiety. But, it isn't easy escaping the pull of a black hole - after all, it is extreme! But, I am going to do my best to take this cosmic trip of sorts - away from the black hole and back to Earth, where I hopefully can plant my feet firmly on the ground for a bit.